The Sweatpants Alchemist
by Melissa McEagle
Summary: An AU where everything is the same except Edward wears sweat pants


Inspired by Tumblr user bolininthe-deep's text post. I'm so sorry bolininthe-deep I ashamed of everything I am.

Disclaimer: im not funny

TW: sweat pants

* * *

"You are quite the incorrigible heathen," the priest said. He directed his attention at Rose. "Rose, dear. You see that gun right beside you. Pick it up." Rose grew pale as she looked at the innocent looking gun laying on the ground.

"I– uh, okay." Her pale hands wrapped around the handle, the gun felt heavy in her hands.

"Now, I want you to shoot the Fullmetal Alchemist with it." Edward stopped and he heard the creaking of Al's armor as they both turned to look at the woman.

"No! I can't!" she cried, panicked.

"I am God's chosen one! This is the will of God! Shoot him, Rose!" She lifted the gun to her chest, her delicate fingers barely brushing the trigger. She was shaking as she gripped it. "Why are you hesitating? When you lost your fiancé last year, who was it that saved you from the depths of your despair? Have you forgotten?"

"It was you, Father." Tears were falling down her cheeks.

"That's right, I saved you. And what did I promise you?"

"You said if I had faith you would bring him back to life!" she screamed. She fearlessly pointed the gun towards Alphonse, and Ed felt inexplicably annoyed at Rose. If you're going to shoot someone, shoot the right person!

"It's not me!" Al declared. The gun lowered and she turned open mouthed towards Ed.

"I'm the Fullmetal Alchemist, goddamn it!" he yelled.

"Wait, _you're_ the one?!" Father asked, breaking his straight face for the first time. "You've got to be kidding!" Now with the gun pointed at Ed, he readied himself to fight.

"I'm sorry I have to do this! I have no choice."

"He's a fake!" Ed yelled.

"You're wrong, I've seen his miracles! Father Cornello is going to bring him back with his miracles! I have faith!"

"Fine," Edward whispered, "Then shoot." His defiant eyes caused her to pause, and she brought the gun back. But as a roar overcame the room, her finger slipped and a gunshot rang out, hitting Alphonse.

"NO!" she screamed, dropping the gun. Al's helmet went flying and her body shook with sobs.

"Al!" Edward called.

"That will do," Cornello said, "God is pleased, you have done well. Now shoot the other as well."

"Haven't you made her do enough already?" Alphonse asked as he stood up, headless.

"What?!" Cornello cried.

"But! I thought..." Rose said.

"Don't worry about it, Al's pretty solid." Ed knocked on his armor as Alphonse leaned down to show her his empty body. She gasped and took a step back.

"An empty suit of armor! Do you still doubt it Rose? This unholy thing is an abomination." Ed could feel Al deflate. "Evil of this kind should be purged." Cornello stepped back against the wall and pulled a lever. They heard the sound of metal scraping against metal and a roar filled the room. "And I believe my Chimera should be up to the test." A beast with the head of a lion, the hind legs of a bird, and the tail of snack stepped into the room. Edward didn't even bother going into fighting position.

"So this is the kind of thing you do with a Philosopher's stone." Rose stepped back, terrified of the beast before her. "This could be trouble, taking him on unarmed." He clapped his hands together, and laid them on the stone ground. Seconds later, where there once was stone, was his spear. He gripped it.

"No transmutation circle," the Father gasped. "I suppose the State Alchemist title is not just for show then." The beast roared, and Ed braced himself. It came at him at full force, and Edward used his spear to block it's claws, sacrificing his one weapon in the progress.

A moment later he realized something was off. With horror he glanced down to see that his pants had been torn, revealing his automail leg.

"YOU RUINED MY GENUINE GUCCI SWEAT PANTS YOU BASTARD."

—

"Oh no!" Winry cried, devastated over the automail pieces before her.

"Yeah, sorry. It's a little smashed up. Edward sipped on some coffee. Winry was facing away from him, but he could see her shaking.

"A little smashed up," she repeated softly. "A little?! Ed, do you see what you've done to my beautiful creation?! I slaved over this!"

"It's basically the same, it's just in smaller pieces." Without a second thought, she turned around and punched him in the cheek.

"WE'LL SEE HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR SWEAT PANTS ARE IN SMALLER PIECES."

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE THEY'RE DOLCE & GABBANA."

—

"Well well, would you look at that, what's the Fullmetal pipsqueak doing here?" Envy mocked from behind Lust. Edward breathed, trying to understand who these people were.

"Such a trying boy," Lust muttered, "How did you find out about this place?" Edward winced as No. 48's seal was broken in front of him.

"Brother! Brother!" the other half of him called. The green-haired person in front of him stabbed the other half before Ed could even protest. He watched as Envy mercilessly stabbed the soul. "Be quiet you blathering idiot! You were trying to kill one of our precious sacrifices! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! You could've messed up everything! WHAT WOULD WE HAVE DONE THEN?!" The man finished off with one fierce stab into the seal, and all light was gone from No. 48. Edward felt a stab of sympathy for the soul, though his own fear quickly blocked that as the man approached him. Although Edward couldn't move, he stared defiantly into Envy's eyes. The woman approached, and in a rush of adrenaline, he stood up.

"Who are you people?! What plan?! What do you mean sacrifice?!"

"Oh, my, the pipsqueak is raring to go," Envy said, mere inches away from Edward, creating some homoerotic sexual tension.

"You shut up with that pipsqueak talk!" Edward replied, creating even more homoerotic tension.

"A pipsqueak is a pipsqueak, right, pipsqueak?" It may as well have been the opening to a porno at that point with all the homoerotic tension. Edward attempted to kick Envy off, effectively killing at least 2/3rds of the tension.

"Woah! I don't like fighting. Someone might get hurt, you know." Edward pulled his hands together.

"You're the one who picked this fight. So come o– " It was then that his automail failed, leaving his entire right arm useless. The two homunculi just stared in amazement.

"Technical difficulties," Lust stated.

"Lucky me!" Envy declared, daring to even pat Edward on the head. He kicked Edward in the stomach, which was enough to fell the Fullmetal Alchemist.

"Listen to me, boy. Don't ever forget you're being allowed to live." Stars swam in Ed's vision. "We can't have him poking around." At that, the world went black. Envy just sighed as he looked at Edward's unconscious and sweaty form. He sighed dramatically.

"What a fashionable boy."

—

"Brother, this guy's a homunculus!" Al said as Edward entered their lair. Edward stopped in his tracks.

"A homunculus?"

"Hey! Way to ruin it!" Greed admonished.

"We might be able to get some leads from him on how to get our original bodies back!" Greed rolled his eyes and showed Edward the back of his hand.

"An ouroboros tattoo..." Edward said, trying to connect the pieces.

"That's right, I was hoping I'd only have to deal with the little armored giant over there."

"Why don't you just ask your partners?"

"Partners?" Greed repeated, genuinely confused.

"Yeah, the rest of the ouroboros gang back at the 5th Laboratory. They had a couple of armor bonded souls with them as well."

"You don't say! Well, it's kind of a long story, but we don't talk much anymore. I've got a little proposal. You guys are desperate to get your bodies back, isn't that right? Because I can teach you how to fabricate a Homunculus. In return, you teach me where to get good quality sweat pants at a reasonable price." Edward scoffed. "Equivalent exchange."

"As if I would do business with anyone wearing such terrible leather pants! Knowing where to get good quality sweat pants at low low prices is worth more than a Homunculus any day!"

—

"Al?" Edward said, noticing his brother had disappeared. He realized seconds later his brother had found something in an alleyway. He rolled his eyes.

"Brother..." Al said pathetically.

"What? Did you find another cat or something?" he said, walking towards the alleyway.

"Uh...well no." He head up a man instead. He had dark hair that was held back in a ponytail, as well a stylish yellow jacket with white flames on the bottom. Edward spat out his drink in surprise. "We have to help him!"

"We don't have to help him..." Ed protested, trailing off as Al stood up, the man still in hand. "Wait...are those."

"Yes they are, brother."

"_Ralph Lauren sweat pants."_

—

"We're using brother as bait to lure out the Homunculi," Alphonse explained to the confused and concerned pair. Riza's grip on her gun didn't loosen. In front of them, they could see Edward desperately trying to get out of Scar's reach. Debris flew past him. "They can't afford to let him die." Roy leaned against the protective wall Alphonse had created for them.

"That's crazy," he muttered.

"We don't want anyone else to get hurt! Using ourselves as bait was the only option!" Roy narrowed his eyes.

"What are you going to do if Scar gets shot by the military before the Homunculi get here?" They heard Edward clapping his hands together, sending spikes in the direction of the Ishvalan. Roy was sure that if Al had a body, he'd be smirking at him right now.

"But you can stop that from happening, can't you?" Roy was amused.

"You're giving me orders now? You've got nerve!" He stood up. "Once you catch the Homunculi, I want my cut!"

"You got it!" Al said as he ran to join his brother in the fight. Roy heard them run in sync and attack together. He stood up, Riza by his side in an instant. For a second, he heard a rip and he looked down to see his military issue pants caught on a bit of rock and ripping. He sighed.

"When I'm Fuhrer, I'm going to make all military issue pants Elric Issue Sweat Pants™," he muttered.

"I thought you wanted mini-skirts?" Riza commented lightly, ignoring the sounds of destruction behind them.

"Sweat mini-skirts." He paused. "Is that a thing because it sounds hot."

"No, it's really not, Colonel."

—

Edward stood in the cavernous pit that was Gluttony's stomach. His own stomach was churning as he looked at the debris and the lake of blood he was standing in. "Hello!" he called out, "Can anyone hear me?" His voice echoed around the pit. Wincing, he took his first tentative steps into the pit, ignoring the sensation of his pants absorbing the blood and fluids around his ankles. "Hello?! Anybody?!" No response. "What the hell is this place?!" Still nothing. "Damn. THIS IS ALL LING'S FAULT, YOU DUMB PRINCE!"

"Dumb? What do you mean dumb?" Ling asked. Edward jumped. He turned around to see Ling in the same uncomfortable state.

"Ling?"

"You can't call the future emperor dumb!"

"You alright?" Ed stopped suddenly. "Hold on, how do I know you're not Envy?" Ling rolled his eyes.

"Now, look, do you want me to recite the entire hotel service menu?!"

"Okay, you're Ling," Edward said, more to himself than anything.

"And how do I know you're not Envy?" It was silent as both tried to think of a way to prove that Edward was indeed Edward. Ling gripped his sword. "Wow, my sweat pants are soaked. Maybe I should've worn something more practical."

"SWEAT PANTS ARE PRACTICAL YOU WHORE."

"You're definitely Edward."

—

"So, that's what happened in Ishval, huh?" Alphonse said.

"She told me everything about it, to a kid like me," Edward said, feeling the cool mist of the fountain they were sitting at touch the back of his neck. "They say alchemists are seekers of truth. And yet, I didn't know anything about what happened in Ishval."

"You think the colonel is concerned with what happens after he attains his goal?" Edward was silent for a moment.

"I know I would be if I were him, you know?" He looked at his brother.

"Al, after you get your original body back, what do you want to do?"

"Well, I want to try Winry's apple pie." Edward laughed, he couldn't help it. "What about you, brother?"

"I've had my hands full just trying to get our original bodies back, that I haven't even thought of what happens next. He stood up and stretched. "I guess go on a shopping spree would be the first thing." Al sweatdropped.

"More sweat pants?"

"Absolutely."

—

Edward gave his ticket to the man at the ticket counter. The alchemist was glowing with excitement and ready to go. As soon as he got the all clear, he ran towards the exit of the train station. He grinned as he looked at the site before him.

"Look, Al! Snow!" Behind him, he heard his brother's metal feet stomping against the cold metal floor below them. They both looked up to see small snowflakes falling to the ground. Coming from Resembool, they had only rarely seen snow, so this truly was a special treat for them. He felt the cold bite against his face and Ed couldn't help but laugh. He started down the stairs, but the transparent ice sheets felled him. He landed on the snow below.

"Brother!" Al called out, panicked. Edward couldn't help but laugh.

"It's a good thing I'm wearing my fleece-lined, reasonably-priced, and slimming Louis Vuitton sweat pants or else my butt would be freezing!"

—

"What's that smell?" Kimblee asked.

"Ammonia. Having too sharp a nose can be a problem, too." He pointed towards the two indisposed Chimera. He stood up, ready to fight the man clad in the white. "These guys aren't any use to you anymore." Kimblee scoffed.

"This is what happens, the moment your hostage concerns are gone?"

"What'd you expect to happen?"

"I'm just trying to get you to spill everything you know."

"Oh? Is that all you want from me?" The man rolled his eyes. "Facing a youngster like you after I just got out of the hospital will be taxing. I don't have the time to mess with you either." He fished something out of his pocket. Edward instantly knew what it had to be. _The Philosopher's Stone..._ "I guess I'll just have to speed things up." _He brought it out on his own. _Without a second's hesitation, he ran forward, surprising the Crimson Alchemist. Kimblee dodged his punch. He fell in love with his winter automail all over again as his speed allowed him to get behind the man in a second. Kimblee dodged again. The sudden attack made his Philosopher's stone fly out of his hand and into the mines below.

Kimblee was done fucking around.

He tried to clap his hands together, but Edward was too fast for him. He sliced the man's palm, leaving the transmutation circle broken. _He has no stone, and now he can't transmute!_

"Now I've– "

"Now you've what?! You think you've won?" Edward faltered. "The resolve not to kill, it's a fine policy, young sweat pants alchemist." He grinned. "However, on the battlefield, it's something that can be taken advantage of." Edward felt his certainty slipping away. "You should've finished me off just then." Kimblee stuck out his tongue, and with horror, Edward realized that it was a Philosophers stone. His eyes went wide. "That sense of mercy will be the reason for your defeat." It fell slowly onto his hands, in slow motion for some reason. Edward was horrified as his hands glowed red.

An explosion rocked the ground below him, and suddenly the very metal and very heavy structure above and below him collapsed. The world went black for a moment_. _He heard nothing except for the sound of dirt falling beside him. It hurt, it hurt real bad. White tinted his vision and everything was blurry. _I fell down the mine shaft._ He pushed himself up and was horrified to see blood falling. Blood was dripping down his nose and mouth. He gasped as he turned to see the sight behind him.

It was a large metal pipe.

Going right through his small intestine.

_Oh no this can't be happening THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING._ He clapped, and used his alchemy to save the two chimera he had been fighting less than five minutes ago. He coughed, and more blood came out. _I can't do this I can't do this I can't die this can't happen. _Blood pooled around him. _I can't make Winry cry, I can't do it again. _The two Chimera walked towards him.

"Help me," Edward whispered. "I can't pull this out of my stomach myself."

"Sweat pant kid, if I pull this out, you'll bleed to death in seconds."

"No, I've studied medical alchemy, when I tried to do human transmutation."

"Only studied, sweat pants?"

"JUST DO IT!" Edward cried, frustrated at the delay. He was dying. The next few minutes were a blur. The pain whited his vision and he somehow managed to close the wound and fix some of his organs in the process. He gasped as the pain lessened.

"I have to go," he muttered and wearily stood up, "I have to fight...Kimblee." He passed out. The two chimera just rolled their eyes.

"How can someone with such fantastic fashion sense be so stupid?"

"Where do you think he got those?"

"Neiman Marcus, definitely."

—

Winry sighed as she watched Edward, Greed, Heikel, and Darius leave her house. She wrung her hands on a rag. It had been so long since she had seen Ed, and here he was leaving yet again. Every time she saw him, it was harder and harder to let him just walk away. She felt her eyes watering, and she shook her head.

"No, I can't cry. Not just yet. I have a promise to uphold." The Elric brothers had a task to carry out, and she just hoped they would live through it. She was sick and tired of just waiting and worrying. Her fingertips gingerly rested on the windowsill. She sighed as she closed the window and got ready to get dressed for bed.

She opened the wardrobe, and for a second, she wasn't sure what she was seeing. Suddenly all of her sadness disappeared.

_That son of a bitch._

"WHY IS EVERYTHING SWEAT PANTS?!"

—

"Here's your fabric, sir," the woman said as she handed him a couple of yards of bright red cotton.

"Thanks!" Edward said enthusiastically. He had been waiting for this moment for several months now.

"What are you doing with that?" Greedling asked. They'd just finished dinner, and now his alchemist wanted fabric, of all things? Ed placed the fabric on a nearby barrel. Edward clapped his hands together, and the fabric glowed blue. Seconds later, in place of the plain fabric was a cloak, making LITERALLY EVERY COSPLAYER EVER MAD AS HELL.

"Woah!" Darius said, feeling as jealous as I am right now. Heinkel was not as impressed.

"Come on, isn't what you're wearing right now good enough?"

"Isn't that kind of flashy?" Greedling asked. Edward rolled his eyes.

"I am a fashionista! I mix the flashy with the practical!" He gestured towards his pants.

"I fucking hate this kid," Heinkel muttered.

—

Edward ran up to the dirt dome, still furious that his brother would put himself in this kind of situation. "AL!" he shouted, "AL!"

"Brother!" he heard. Alphonse's voice was quiet, and he had to strain himself to hear it.

"Hey Al!"

"I'm sorry! Here, we were finally reunited too!" Al said. Edward chuckled. He hated himself for letting this happen to Al, but he was proud, as well. "But then, I was the reason all of this happened to begin with. Besides, I only have to put up with this for one day!" Ed rested his automail hand against the dome. "I'll be fine." Ed tried to regain his thoughts.

"Al, if there's anyone that could do this, it's you."

"Yeah, I'll be fine!" It was silent between the brothers. Al placed his own hand on the dome. He jumped up as he realized something. Here he was safe. His brother couldn't tear down the dome, he couldn't punch him, and he was safely away. "Ed, I have something to tell you."

"Anything, Al!"

"Edward, you're not wearing sweat pants right now."

"What?" Al could hear his brother's voice falter. "I got these at The Gap today just for the occasion!"

"They're leggings, brother!"

"But they're fleece-lined! And slimming!"

"THEY'RE FLEECE-LINED LEGGINGS."

"ARE YOU SAYING IM NOT WEARING ANY PANTS RIGHT NOW?!"

—

The room filled with fire, and for a moment, Edward Elric was just happy he could get a moment's rest.

"Everything seems to go to hell when you're around." The man stepped in, Edward couldn't help but thank everything that he had back up now. "Would it be okay if I lend you a hand, Fullmetal?"

"Colonel?" Edward asked. Really, he shouldn't be that surprised.

"It would appear that you have some more new friends," he said, with a smirk. His eyes fell on a certain Ishvalan. "Is that Scar?" Behind him, Riza walked in, her gun pointed at the immortal soldiers. "You know, this place takes me back, Lieutenant. I remember seeing your tearful face here. I'd like to see those frank, honest tears again sometime." She cocked her gun.

"I thought you hated moisture, it renders you useless." Roy scowled. Edward rolled his eyes. _Get a goddamn room, you two._

"Save your banter for later! Fight!" Scar yelled.

"Don't you order me around!" Roy admonished.

"Acknowledged, we just need to beat these guys, right?"

"Save your ammo! Bullets don't work on them!"

"Not again! It's all we've been dealing with!"

"Are they Homunculi?" Roy asked. He looked around. _No, they're not self-healing. But they won't die either. Is this the power of the Philosopher's Stone? _He heard Edward beating some of them up. He snapped, lighting the room up with his alchemy and destroying each of the monsters in a few seconds. The room was silent except for the struggled breaths of the men around him. "They were the enemy, Fullmetal." He let the boy digest these words, despite his judging look.

"I understand," he said eventually.

"Good, now why aren't you wearing pants?"

—

_No no no no no no this couldn't be happening WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING WHY DID AL_ _DO THIS._ He felt the power of May's alkestry flow through him as the metal bolts in place snapped and exploded as his original arm came back to him. He couldn't help but stare at it in horror. His brother was gone, and in it's place was the tool he had used to sacrifice it. He flexed it experimentally. _IF THIS IS WHAT AL WANTED, THIS IS WHAT HE WAS GOING TO GET._

"AL YOU DUMBASS!" he roared, as he clapped his hands together. He hit the floor, and a huge pillar smacked Father away from him. He tore the metal bracing that had gone through his arm out, and started his furious assault. He knew he was screaming, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. _This is for you, Alphonse. _Father hit the ground with an unflattering smack. He clapped his hands together and hundreds of alchemical fists smacked Father around unrelentlessly. Using the metal from the ground, he created a spear, which he fired towards the man. It struck him dead on.

The soldiers were staring on in awe. For all of their failed attacks, Edward was finally getting through. He was winning.

"It's working," one whispered, "That pantless boy is doing it."

"You can do it, Ed!" The chimeras cried simultaneously. This roused the soldiers, who all began to cheer.

"YOU GO, EDWARD."

"YOU CAN DO IT, FULLMETAL."

"I BELIEVE IN YOU SWEAT PANTS!"

"LET HIM HAVE IT!"

Edward continued his assault, barely hearing the cries of support from his friends around him. So this was the power of pure rage. Pure rage and pantlessness.

—

"He's waking up!" Zampano stated.

"How're you feeling?" Darius asked. In front of a group, Alphonse stirred. His body was weak, malnourished, and faint, but he was here. And he could feel. Edward was elated. They had done it, they had finally gotten their original bodies back. Alphonse looked at the group in wonder.

"Zampano...Darious...Teacher! You're all here!" He gasped. "Dad!"

"Hey," he said. He held his hand out, which Alphonse readily grasped. He shivered as the sensation of _touch_ went through his body. "Welcome back." Edward supported his back, just in case his body couldn't hold itself up. "It's so warm..."

"Al!" May cried. She ran up to him and hugged him. "Alphonse!" Sobs rocked her body.

"May!"

"I was...I was...so scared!"

"I bet," he said softly, "That was a hard thing to put you through. It was wrong of me. Thank you, May." He embraced her. Her clothes were soft, if a bit battle-worn. He rubbed her back, glad that he was finally here.

"I have something for you, Al!" Edward said.

"Huh?"

"I transmuted it before I got you back." From literally out of no where, he pulled a pair of sweat pants. Al laughed.

"Of course you did, brother. But I don't think I need those, right now."

"What?! Everyone needs a good pair of sweat pants!"

"Edward," Hohenheim said.

"Yeah?"

"Shut the fuck up."

* * *

AN: i fucking hate sweat pants


End file.
